Well it is done. Trailtrekker 2013 has been and gone. It has left me with a burden of disappointment that I can't get my head around. I'm sure that makes me a moaning myrtle and annoys the hell out of people, but that is where I'm at, sorry.
I dropped out at checkpoint 3, 65km in, 25km to go. Could I have carried on? Yes. And I should have. But I had a flip out mentally and was in tears and couldn't get mysef together in time to carry on with my team. Stu asked me while I was sat in the car if I wanted to continue the answer was "yes but I haven't got time to get my shit together cos you're all ready to go now" I knew D&A wanted to press on cos it was a cold checkpoint and I just couldn't be assertive enough/selfish enough to hold them up. Not after quite clearly having been holding back the pace for the last 10 miles or so. I tried, I really did, but the constant pushing to try and hold onto the pace (which was actually quite steady but too fast for my capabilities) had really taken it's toll. There was talk of the possibility of a massage at the checkpoint but it then became clear that actually getting through the checkpoint fast was a priority which fucked with my head, especially as the holding people up thing that had been budding for a while was in full bloom. I think the fact I burst into tears at any opportunity makes it look like I'm more upset then I am a lot of the time and the assumption was that sobbing hysterically meant that I was done; so noone tried to persuade me otherwise. Fair enough I suppose, I can't expect other people to cajole me through every challenge in life. I know Stu feels he could have done more to get me going but what I needed was a bit of time and it just didn't feel like time was available although I'm sure if either of us had been a bit more assertive/actually asked something could have been done. I was fighting with my usual shit in my head too, it happened to coincide with an opportunity to drop out, and just before the checkpoint I also got utterly freaked by the noise of walking poles approaching fast from behind as the fast folk from later waves of starters caught us up and then a section on the road where D had very kindly taken Hugo's lead but actually I couldn't cope with not being in control of the dog either. It all contributed. I am 100% disappointed in myself, MY lack of preparation and planning, MY lack of mental strength and MY inability to stand up and say what I need, not anyone else - just to be clear - this is just what was happening inside my head. It probably bears no reflection on reality.
Stu dropped out sometime after because he was upset about leaving me behind I think - it was a do together kind of event for us and he was thinking that he wouldn't get any pleasure from finishing it without me anyway so his motivation went. D&A went on to complete is a brilliant time and I am very pleased for them and their acheivement.
I've learned a lot, mostly about communication and goal setting and making contingency plans so that tired decisions don't rule. I don't know how to stop myself freaking out though so maybe I'll never be any good at tough events, or team events. I learned the value of a good support team - Beverley and Brian were simply wonderful, as were A's mum and dad who went out of their way to help out after I dropped out - which was very kind of them. I got some things right, I was well-hydrated and reasonably well-fueled, physically I was basically fine, no blisters or chafing.
Prior to dropping out however it was a wonderful, wonderful event - well organised, fabulous support, amazing route and I desperately want to go back and try again next year. But I'm not sure how likely that is to happen. I can't imagine trying to find teammates knowing how high-maintenance I'm likely to be at some point - I'm not sure I can ask anybody to put themselves through that with a straight face. To be honest though it wasn't like I was twining all the way round, I very much kept a lid on it but then it all burst forth at once. We'll also have to meet our fundraising target, and soon, in order to be allowed to take part in any Oxfam events going forward. And how the hell do you ask people to cough up money for an event you didn't even complete? It'll put a substantial dent in our finances to stump up ourselves too, but I suppose it could be done. IF I do get to have another go I'll be approaching fundraising differently for sure. I actually realised that that part of it is much more important to me than I was giving it credit for, but realised too late and actually I DO want to run some kind of fundraiser as part of doing something like this again. Watch this space. Well actually not this space because this blog is going into retirement.
Thanks for reading.
xxx
